This is a personal post about trying to accept things the way they are and working on changing the things in my life that I’m not happy with.
I’m 5ft dead on the nose, my height doesn’t bother me I’m quite pleased I’m a shortie with little feet. My height bothers other people though, when I say people I mean women. Throughout my adult life I have come across and still do, women who like to belittle me about my height “aren’t you tiny!?” “you look really short today” “you make me feel like a giant”… I could go on all day with the lovely comments I’ve received. What I don’t get is why women think it is acceptable to say these things to my face, I would rather you spared my feelings and kept your mouth shut. Do you not think I know how short I am, how my legs are short and dumpy and how I wish sometimes I was that little bit taller so I could wear the things I wanted? I wish I was one of these women who didn’t give a s*** about what they wore, how they looked and what people thought about them. I would love to be that confident.
For the longest time I have always been on some sort of diet trying to change my body shape, working out more than I should have after having a baby just to look the way I want. I’ve always hated my hair and changed it often, it grows at snail pace and is naturally curly so I spend my time straightening it only for it to fluff up again (I’ve accepted this). I once laid out all my flaws to someone (I’ve no idea why as they just used it all against me and made me feel horrendous about myself), thinking they would understand and be compassionate but that backfired and I will never again be that silly.
I’ve not been on a diet for over 5 years, when I say diet I mean Weight Watchers, Slimming World, The Atkins Diet etc. Since having the children I have tried to make a lifestyle change and exercise regularly. I was extremely lucky after I had my first C-section, I lost my baby weight within 3 days of Amelie popping out of the sunroof. I’m not being smug about it, it shocked me completely as I did nothing to lose the weight apart from breastfeed, I was just under 7st 5lbs within a month of having Amelie – I had not been that weight since 2004. I started working out properly at home when Amelie was 6 months old, not to lose weight just to tone up and feel better about myself, I got down to a size 6 but wasn’t happy. Maintaining that size was not easy, I was working out 7 days a week some weeks not good when you are a new mum and exhausted anyway. Then I fell pregnant with Charlie and stopped working out as I was so sick. The same pattern happened after my second C-section, the weight fell off naturally and I was 7st 5lbs again. However, since having Charlie my weight has fluctuated between 7st 3lbs and 8st. I panic when I’m nearer 8st which is silly so I’ve stopped weighing myself as I get upset if the needle is not where I want it to be.
But do you know what, I’m so tired of striving for an appearance that I’m never going to achieve. It is time consuming, draining, boring and not fun. I’ve got friends who are naturally skinny and friends who are not, all I see at the moment is women on Instagram who are mothers of 2+ children and they are completely ripped, tanned, long perfect hair and they appear to have perfect lives. I’m not silly I know this is not a real insight into their real lives but I can’t help comparing myself to them. Why aren’t I super skinny/toned/tanned/perfect hair/perfect clothes blah blah blah? My whole mood revolves around how I look and I’m fed up with feeling that way, I know lots of women will be able to relate to this post as I see this sort of thing on social media all the time.
Why can’t we just accept the way we look, I’ll never be tall or taller, I’ll always have freckles, I’ll always have crap hair but I can’t change these things so I need to accept them. I just want to be happy within myself and teach both of my children to love everything about themselves.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate myself I just want to have to stop working out so much, watching what I eat all the time, to live in the moment more and enjoy life. I workout because I enjoy it and the way it makes me feel but I’m always looking in the mirror to see if my body shape has changed. Thankfully, I’ve seen lots of progress since I have been working out and I’m on the right track so that’s a positive. I’m a mum of 2, of course my body has changed, I’m also in my 30s and have gone through 2 C-sections.
I realise I sound moany and a bit contradictory in places but I hope you get the idea of this post – we need to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves and start realising that what we see on Instagram etc is not real life. We need to stop making snide comments to other women about how they look as it is not acceptable and makes people feel like utter crap.
Comparison really is the thief of joy.