I have wanted to write this post for the longest time but I feel slightly apprehensive about posting it as I’m not sure how this is going to come across. It is not a poor me, woe is me, feel sorry for me post it is a really honest account of body image.
It all started from my experience in Primark today. I went to try on some jeans – a size 6 which is very small I know, in fact they were too big. Getting changed in those horrible lights with a billion mirrors pointing at every single angle of my body was terrifying. I thought I was looking okay, I had previously checked myself out (as you do) at home and thought I was alright. Oh my goodness, stepping into the light of doom where every flaw possible is magnified utterly destroyed any self-confidence I had. I left with a lump in my throat wanting to never eat again – how dramatic!!
So, I have never been body confident – ever. Although, I never started feeling insecure about my body until my early 20s. Before that I wouldn’t have given a hoot about what my body looked like and wore what I wanted, ate what I fancied and felt great plus I did no exercise whatsoever, I stayed trim from dancing the night away and youth was on my side.
Fast forward 10 years, 2 C-Sections later, every diet under the sun smashed and there have been days where I have been absolutely consumed with insecurities and self hate. This is not healthy and I’m so fed up of hating my body, comparing myself to others, striving for the perfect figure that, for me, does not exist. I am not enjoying life because I’m so worried about how I look and what goes into my body. But at the same time I’ve worked so so hard this past year to transform my body I don’t want to ruin it by shovelling crap down my throat, I feel so ill when I eat rubbish now it really doesn’t agree with me. Having said that, I love (in moderation) takeaways, wine, gin, crisps, chocolate, McDonald’s, chips etc and I don’t want to stop eating my favourite foods just because someone on social media makes me feel guilty. I’m not talking about strangers but people I know, cleverly posting things opposite to me. Food and socialising is what I love to do, without it life is no fun.
No body is perfect, just because you see a photo on social media of the “perfect” angle, seeing people in real life they do not look like that when they are in the playground picking their kiddies up from school. Everyone has flaws, some are visible and others are cleverly hidden. I’m 5ft, have really short legs, a flat tummy, no stretch marks, no boobs (but I’m happy about that as I spent my teens/20s with the biggest boobs) bingo wings, wide feet, crap hair and I’m the lightest weight I’ve ever been in my entire life but masses of cellulite on my thighs and bum. There, I said it. I have cellulite.
Why is that word so soul-destroying? It’s the worst thing a woman can have but I cannot go on for the next 20 years hating my body, it is exhausting. This is not a New Year’s resolution or a “goal” but I have to make peace with my figure. It is not even a “mum bod” in fact I hate that term “mum bod”. Just because you’ve had children does not mean that your body looks shit. I think people forget that you age, your lifestyle changes, your hormones play havoc and your body just changes over time. Plus there are mums out there without an ounce of fat or cellulite on their body, it’s in your genes.
I am slowly coming to terms with accepting this is what I look like and dressing to suit my shape. I’ve learnt that shorts are not my friend, they don’t work for my petite frame and I don’t like them. Skirts and dresses are my thing for summer and why should I feel guilty for not liking shorts? There’s so much pressure to look a certain way, dress like everyone else and try to be something I’m not. I know what kind of style I like yet I feel I can’t be me for fear of what others think. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way but I’m going to work my arse off to retrain my brain. I’m not disgusting, I’m not overweight, I’m healthy and have my good points.
I don’t want to set a bad example for my daughter, I don’t want her to feel any self-doubt, ever as she’s so confident and ballsy. It will be a long process but I hope by the summer I’ll feel confident enough to wear what I want and feel good about myself. It is all smoke and mirrors on social media and I don’t believe for one second that every woman out there is showing their true self. No amount of self hate, dieting, lotions/potions and exercising is going to rid the cellulite, I believe it is in your genes, if that’s what your body is meant to be like so be it. I think it is more about how your mind sees things as to others I bet I look fine.