I’m straying away from the cheery Christmas posts for today and bringing reality back – sorry! This post is also quite a personal post and I’m a little nervous for friends and family to read this as it is kind of admitting your flaws for people to pick at and gossip about, if you get what I mean? However, I am sure most mothers will be able to relate to this so won’t be too mean, I hope (well not to my face anyway, ha ha!).
Just recently (probably because I’m hormonal) I have had a real attack of the guilts. Now, this is not a new feeling for me as I feel this every day, but I am feeling super super guilty as of late for all number of reasons. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Amelie I have felt the mummy guilt. It has worsened over the years and now I have two young children it is at its peak. I also suffer with horrendous anxiety too which is just awful some days.
I’ve mentioned before in previous posts that I’m a worrier and constantly check on the children when they are asleep to see if they are breathing, I worry when they aren’t with me, I worry when they are poorly with a cold that there is something seriously wrong – I’m a worry wort! But it is getting to a point now where it is consuming me. Mr K and I have never had a night away together in the whole, nearly 5 years of being parents, crazy I know as most people I speak to have been away or gone on nights out etc. It is not that we don’t want to and to be honest it isn’t Mr K that is putting this off it is me. I have only had one night away from Amelie and that was the day Charlie was born. They have never stayed at anyone’s house without us as I worry that something might happen to them. I’m sure they would be absolutely fine and they have fantastic Nannies to take care of them so why won’t I let them sleep over? The thought of it is all very well and good I’ve even talked myself into arranging a night away with Mr K for my birthday in January but really don’t want to go feeling super anxious and worried, so that’s on the back burner for now.
I would be interested to hear if any other mummies feel this way and if so, what have you done to overcome this feeling?
I’m having a bit of a wobble about my parenting skills, as the children are getting older and reaching new stages in development I feel I’ve not got a clue what I’m doing. Some days I’m winning and others I’m winging it, I feel like I don’t give them enough attention as both are very demanding and independent but still crave that one on one. Time is really an issue I feel like we are just rushing to get the next thing done and not really enjoying life. I know that every day life gets in the way for most families but all I seem to be doing is cleaning, laundry and cooking. I’m finding the balance all too stressful and it really shouldn’t be like that, I wanted to stay at home and take care of the children but I feel like all I’m doing is being a house maid and not really making the most of my time with them.
I think I need to take a step back from chores and social media including blogging as it is very overwhelming sometimes. I started blogging as a hobby to document our lives but it is addictive and I am spending more and more time on my phone uploading pictures, tweets, facebook posts etc. Maybe it is because I’m blogging every day for this month and I’m feeling the pressure? One of my New Year Goals is definitely going to be relaxing a bit more and taking a step away from my phone and laptop, I don’t need to be on there all the time my blog will still be there as will other social media platforms. I feel like I need a detox from technology – ha ha! This post is a bit like therapy for me as I’m starting to feel the tightness ease from my chest writing this, ha!
I would love to know how other people balance life with being a stay-at-home mum and blogging. I thought being a SAHM would be relaxing and I would do a bit of house work whilst going on many play dates and coffee dates with my well behaved children. Such a silly idea though as it is really not like that at all. It irritates me when people ask if I work or just stay at home. Just because I don’t get paid to look after my children and clean my house as well as the other bazillion jobs I do does not mean I don’t work. I’m so lucky to be able to stay home with the children I feel extremely grateful for all the hard work and worry Mr K has to go through to support his family he’s such an amazing daddy and I really don’t give him enough credit. Granted he annoys the hell out of me but I don’t know where I would be without him.
Over the years I have read all the parenting books that explain how to be a good mother and how to raise your child but in reality those books are a load of crap. No one and nothing can prepare you for your parenting journey, we really shouldn’t judge other parents and make nasty comments and gossip about so and so doing this and that as we are all running the same race at the end of the day. Personally I don’t think any of us are winning all of the time and these people that portray a perfect family life are absolutely cacking things up just as much as the next person. In the words of Mr K ‘it’s all smoke and mirrors’ and I need to remember that as I put myself down far too much and that is not setting a good example to my children. I need to work on that (*makes note in planner) and try not to worry too much what others think of me and my parenting skills.
I’ll leave it there for now as I’ve rambled on for far too long. Back to the festive posts tomorrow.